November, 2006

Wednesday, November 22nd.  I was considering last week how thankful we are for friends we know who have served our country by risking their lives (or by giving them) overseas.  It is particularly easy to assume that the liberties we enjoy are just a fact of life.  As you know, they aren't.  They are a gift from God and something to be cherished and guarded and have come to us and our children at a great price.  May God mercifully grant other people around the world to get to experience such freedoms.  And may He bless those who are serving us now, especially with the freedom of Christ's forgiveness and new life. 

This month marks one full year from the date we learned Christie had cancer.  It is an odd anniversary.  This occasion has many angles and sides to consider.  On one side, we are grateful to have much of the treatment gauntlet behind us. Until now, I haven't personally seen someone suffer like that up close.  We've known people who have gone through similar trials, but of course, we didn't really appreciate what it meant.  Through our reading, and from friends we have made this year, we know it could have been much worse.  From some of the side-effects of treatment we were completely spared.  From others, my wife had a milder case than she could have.  Yet others have been worse than we anticipated.  But towering over all of the side effects is the understanding that Christie might well not be living on the earth right now.  And yet, she is! 

We thank the nurses and the doctors and we are thankful for chemotherapy and radiation.  But really, we know that God is sovereign and He does what is good and what pleases Him.  We blame Him for all of the mercy and kindness we have experienced.  We hold Him responsible for directing our lives and for the many answers to prayer and for the endurance He gave.  We are ultimately grateful that this past year was not a wrestling match with a chance occurrence of cancer and its evil effects. Rather, the Lord is faithful to lead us through the valleys He has marked out.  Some people consider God's sovereignty cold comfort in a time of trial.  "How," they say, "can you assert that God lets people get cancer?"  Though content to give Him the credit for the comforts and pleasures, they would rather spare God the blame for the greater difficulties of life.  But if we only trust that God is ultimately in control of the details when those details please us, to whom do we turn when the days and months become arduous and dark?  If God is not sovereign in decreeing suffering and hardship for His children, who or what is?  The testimony of the Bible is that God is the King over all the earth.  That truth was the anchor for so many Christians of the past, particularly for those who suffered greatly. Even Job knew this. To those who encouraged him to curse God shortly after his ten children died and his property was destroyed and his health failed, Job posed an insightful question : "Should we accept blessing from God and not adversity?" 

A hard look at Christ on the cross will cure us from such inconsistency.  His suffering was greater than my wife's--greater than anyone's--and it was decreed by a God who had in view the redemption of millions of people.  God used Christ's sufferings for a glorious purpose.  While we know that the world is not being redeemed through our small sufferings, the example of Christ is real hope for us.  It means that though we hurt and are often afraid, God has not left us.  He knows the reason for all that is happening.  We don't right now; and we likely won't for many years.  But our Father actually does know and having faith in Him means that especially when we suffer and don't understand it, we trust Him because we know He is good and faithful and sovereign. 

Considered from another side, this year has taught us much about our poverty.  Not that we have had any financial concerns this year; altogether, we have been the recipients of  myriad gifts and have been amply helped by our excellent medical sharing plan.  Thank God for His wonderful provision!  Rather, in many ways this year has shown us how much we need people and God. We could not make it without each other and our family and friends and our church.  Christie spent not a few minutes at our community Thanksgiving service last Sunday reviewing the many kind acts of service and love that have sustained us over this year.  If only I had the poetic power to adequately express what has happened to us.  We have been the main spectators in an unfolding play of countless characters all acting in harmony and speaking their individual parts with eloquence.  And every Act and actor in this play has been animated by the great theme of the whole drama: the love of Christ.  Even though we have experienced it firsthand, it is so big and excellent that there is no way to describe it.  How can we describe or paint the Body of Christ in action?  It would be like trying to depict the grandeur of Arches National Park with a postcard or like trying to recreate the airy sound of Paul Desmond's saxophone with a kazoo.  All we can say is that we can't believe God gives people the privilege of being loved like this through His children.

Even more obvious to us is the real certainty that we would have become a rusted, engineless, tireless, windowless, dilapidated '73 El Camino in the Junkyard of the Soul if not for the daily help and strength and grace of Christ. Something about fighting cancer and its train of effects and symptoms makes people like me feel pretty drained. I have been looking at other human beings my age and admiring their energy.  There are few things as humbling as peering into the depths of one's being and realizing that the tank is almost empty.  That's why this year has seemed like the star-studded, sequined Parade of Matt Turnbull's Weaknesses and Character Flaws. What was secret and hidden has now become a billboard for the masses.  Week after week I have been having immediate fellowship with my selfishness as it gets constantly in the way of being gracious to my children and serving Christie.  For example, on one bright summer morning in August I had nigh unto a nervous breakdown over the question of how I was going to get the car cleaned in preparation for a trip.  My wife's eyes got a little big that day when I suddenly broke into very emotion-charged rhetoric about the insuperable difficulties of driving to Wenatchee and doing some simple errands.  She knew then, as I have known many times over the last twelve months, that (as our good friends like to say) her husband "was fixin' to lose it."  Even though I would prefer to have my Doc Savage: Man of [Spiritual] Bronze image back, I believe this season has only shown me what is in fact the case: I am spiritually poor. 

As long as this fact is not used as an excuse or pretext for disobedience to God, such revelations are nothing but a good thing.  As one looks at one's need and then turns to look at Jesus Christ and His unimpeachable character, one  sees only the sublimity and excellence and majesty of the One who loved those who killed Him.  One sees the complete nobility of the Son of God who, having the power to dissolve His persecutors, only asked that His Father would forgive them.   It is like walking from the darkness of a musty cave into the light of a dazzling desert sun.  If we have learned much this year it would be that there is no one like Christ.  He is always patient and kind.  He is compassionate and helps those who are weak.  He gives strength and endurance.  Through difficult times, even those difficult times caused by our own failings, He shows Himself faithful.  Perhaps this is why the Scriptures say (in Matthew 5) "blessed [or happy] are those who are poor in spirit."  Our happiness comes in despairing of our own "wealth" and seeing the riches of Christ.  At the very least it is what Jesus is speaking of when He tells those Pharisees who are indignant that He would "pollute" Himself by eating meals with tax-gatherers and other persons of low repute, that "It is not those who are healthy who need a physician, but those who are sick; I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners."  If there was any question before, it is completely settled now that we need a Physician.  In times like this I am grieved for those we know who are either running through life thinking that they actually aren't spiritually poor, or are seeking the medicine for their soul in some other place than the Throne in Heaven.  Unless we know our Sickness we see no need for the Doctor.  Similarly, until we see and own our sin, we cannot hear the call of Christ when He says: Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.  Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you shall find rest for your souls.

Thank you again for praying for Christie.  Happy Thanksgiving!

Sunday, November 5th.     Praise the Lord!  Oh give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; for His lovingkindness is everlasting.  Who can speak of the mighty deeds of the Lord, or can show forth all His praise? --Psalm 106:1-2

That second verse in Psalm 106 poses quite a challenge.  Who actually can show forth all of the praise and thanks that God warrants by virtue of His great character and mighty deeds?  What human tongue can possibly frame praise that is proportionate and fitting, given God's wonders?  I know mine cannot.  However, the great thing about our Maker is that He delights in being praised by His children. And we do praise Him.

 For all of you who prayed and prayed for Christie during this week, we send out a great, tall, overflowing Thank You! Because we spent the last seven days facing the very real possibility that Christie's cancer had recurred our thoughts and reflections became significantly more focused and serious than they had been since the end of radiation (a whole three weeks ago).  I am thankful that God used this time to remind us that He is the Maker and we are the made, and that He is categorically trustworthy.  (If you don't like suspense, skip to the last paragraph. If you don't mind, read on.) Here is what happened on Friday . . .

After Christie had her normal blood draw in preparation for her Herceptin treatment, the nurse from Nuclear Medicine came to the Infusion room to give my wife the radioactive injection to prepare her for the Bone Scan later in the day.   That she could use Christie's port (instead of having to start an IV) was a great blessing.  In the middle of the dye infusion the nurse very calmly told us of all the safety precautions we would need to take, and, she surprised us when she said that "the baby should not be closer than three meters from your body for 24 hours."  At that moment, Amy, one of the chemotherapy nurses and our friend, was holding Isabella.  She quickly took a big step back and everyone laughed.  For the rest of the day we looked a little funny.  I carried the baby and wherever we walked we had to stay ten feet apart.  I told my wife that I refused to have her walk behind me since I did not want people to assume that I was some kind of domineering husband who treated his wife like a household pet.  So, she walked in front and we had to converse at a higher volume than we were used to as we went along.  It made kissing very awkward. 

After a nice morning with our friends at the Infusion room during Christie's treatment, we went down to the Nuclear Medicine section of the clinic for the scan.  We had read that such tests can take an hour and our big concern was the pain that holding her arm in one place for that length of time would entail for Christie.  As it happened, the whole test lasted about 18 minutes.  Thank the Lord for that mercy.  Though it was a decidedly less confining experience than being inserted into a torpedo shaft as one must be for an MRI, there was an ominous element to it.  After she had been placed on the table, the white box-like frame that was the scanning element dropped from the ceiling down, down, closer and closer to Chris' face.  It kept coming closer and, though the technician had told her not to move or talk, my wife began to think that her nose was going to be the next long-term side effect of cancer treatment, and so she nervously asked, "how much farther is this thing going to come down?"  He probably had heard this same question before.  "It won't hurt you" was the answer he gave to reassure her.  He was right.  It didn't hurt her.  It stopped just right above her nose and the scan proceeded. 

One factor that was adding suspense to this whole proceeding for us was the knowledge that we were going to likely have to wait until Monday to find out if Christie's humerus (arm bone) actually looked cancer-free.  We discussed that with Dr. Smith in the morning and asked her if it were possible to find out that day.  She said she would work on it.  What actually happened was that after Christie had emerged from her scan into the waiting room after just 20 minutes and was relating to her husband how the test went, Dr. Smith appeared out of a side door and stepped into the Nuclear Medicine section.  She came out two minutes later and told us the good news.  Christie's scan was clear!  Hallelujah!  Thank you for praying for us and for Christie.  We are truly grateful to Dr. Smith for her kindness.  Though she was done for the day she waited late for Christie's scan to be completed and then she read it herself for us.  That was just one of the many ways she has treated my wife with great consideration. 

Praise the Lord!  Oh give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; for His lovingkindness is everlasting.  Who can speak of the mighty deeds of the Lord, or can show forth all His praise? --Psalm 106:1-2